The future’s kind of scary when you stop to think about it.
I know, that’s a total no-brainer and everything, because hell, we’re all afraid of the unknown and the future is a huge black hole full of hints and nothing more. Still, for some of us it can be a little more intimidating than it is for others.
Take a cancer patient, for instance. Especially a terminal patient. Now, there, you know part of your future, because if the doctor tells you you’ve got six months to live, at best you can hope for a year. Chances are you’re going to die, though. And if not then, some time in the future. We’re all going to die somehow, it’s just a question of when and how, which then makes you ask yourself what do we face on the other side and is there a god and heaven and stuff?
Anyway, I’m kind of like a cancer patient because I have a terminal clock ticking inside me that’s waiting to ring. It’s not going to kill me, per se, but it’s going to change my life and I’ve been pretty afraid of the future as a result. It’s one thing to say you’re going to be a doctor when you graduate from college. It’s another thing to say some day, you’re going to be a seer.
Being a seer isn’t something you choose. It’s something chosen for you. At least I’m fortunate in that I know it’s going to happen… most seers only wake up one morning and discover they can read people’s thoughts and move things around with their minds. That has to be pretty fucking trippy, I admit it. It’s going to be trippy enough for me and I see it coming. It’s something you’re born with, and one day the alarm goes off and it becomes who you are.
While the powers themselves don’t really intimidate me, the responsibilities attached to them have ever since my father came back into my life. I guess you could explain that two ways. First of all, Dad is pretty fucking powerful and when I say pretty fucking powerful, I mean, like, light energy being used as a weapon powerful. He does shit most seers only dream about and this is what’s in my g.d. DNA. That’s one thing the Supernatural Order never hesitated to tell me, even when they tried to convince me and Lydia that our parents were both dead.
“You are going to be a master seer much faster than most master seers, John.”
And that’s what leads me to the second scary thought. I love my Dad. Granted, I never thought one day I’d crash into my dead father and discover he was a vampire. (Irony much?) But once I got past all the shit people ever told me about how evil and soulless vampires are, I discovered my Dad is… actually a half decent guy. And then I met my Uncle Robin and Lydia had to be turned… etc. etc. Here were all these vampires I actually liked and suddenly the Order starts to look like a bunch of idiots for wanting to kill vampires just for being vampires.
There’s kind of one problem.
Doesn’t matter how keen I am on vamps. When I get my powers, the Order’s going to come looking for me and they’re going to want me to hunt ‘em.
For a while, I kept thinking over and over about the fact that I just… couldn’t kill vampires without a damn good reason for it. And we’re not supposed to. There’s this thing called the natural order that says vamps and humans are both a balance to each other. We stop each other from getting out of line. Vamps are vamps and humans are humans and we’re allowed to be what we are, so long as we don’t try to screw things up and destroy the planet. Well, the Supernatural Order doesn’t give a shit. They just hate vampires and look for an excuse to hunt them down. And me being a powerful seer?
Yeah, they’re going to be on my ass like white on rice.
So, I’ve been moping. I go to college, but what the fuck does it matter? I’m not going to get to be a doctor or a lawyer when I “grow up”, I’m going to hold a sword and actually use it some day. Don’t get me wrong, there are vampires out there who deserve to be hunted. Bad ones who do bad things. I just want to make damn well sure I’m only killing the ones who deserve it. ‘Cause… *grins*… You could say I’ve been discovering a lot lately that I’m pretty comfortable with the vampires I live with.
I guess it’s time to stop moping, though. I had a long talk with Delilah yesterday and I guess you could say she broadened my horizons… in a lot of different ways. *waggles eyebrows* She told me not to be so worried about the future that I forget to enjoy the present. She also told me that if the Order tells me to hunt somebody I don’t want to hunt, I can give them a giant middle finger.
I can’t help but to think that’s what Mom did when she married Dad. One giant eff-you to the world, saying she didn’t give a shit what he’d done as a vamp. She loved him, and he loved her. And Dad shot them the bird, too, when he took Mom away from the Order and hid with her in Costa Rica. Lyd and I wouldn’t have been born if they hadn’t told the Order to fuck off a few times and I’m beginning to think the same thing.
I want to make a difference. If I’m going to have all these powers, I want it to count for something. But anybody who tells me to do something I don’t want to do is going to have to kiss my ass. ‘Cause I don’t want to be afraid of the future any more.
Adios, todos.
John
